why doesn't my blog background work????? I'm really not an idiot!

Writer's Block....

Can one have writer's block even if you aren't really a writer? I have been so "busy"--I haven't had time to think about what I really want to write about. There are so many things going on...sometimes I feel like my head is spinning! Maybe if I just list some of them, it will help...

1. LG started a new school...I was VERY nervous about how everything was going to work out--but as ALWAYS...God is faithful and provided. She is so vibrant...she loves school and Ms. Kimmmm's house.

2. Work is CRAZY...good, but crazy. Competition (which I LOVE) is hitting me a little harder than I would like...I'm having to come up with some creative strategies, but I have my boss behind me 140%.

3. I was away from LG for a WEEK....it was tough...even tougher, I got no sleep! I'm still paying for it!

4. I need to join a small group...not any small group...but the right one...I feel like I don't fit in...I'm single, but not as single as everyone else...I'm not divorced, I'm not married....it's tough. I'll get there. There are so many variables...what am I gonna do with LG? When do I have time?

5. Taxes. (enough said)

6. Getting a company car or keeping mine (long story, but I adore my SUV)

7. I want to buy a house, but my boss wants to promote me--I have no idea what territory...he's being tightlipped...not complaining...just listing!

8. I'm worried about my friend...I know I am not supposed to worry, but I love her so much!

9. I am starting P90X on Monday...holy cow...for those of you who don't know--it is an extreme fitness and nutrition program that lasts for 90 days...I am taking those 90 days for me...

This is my time to be who I KNOW God wants me to be. I am going to try my hand at intentionality...can I make that a word?

Already feels better...friends and family--keep me motivated...I'm gonna need it!

My beautiful friend...

Why are women so good at feeling guilty? I feel guilty when i spend too much time with LG (knowing I am neglecting myself) or even worse, when I get a baby sitter...I feel guilty when I feel like my world is coming apart...but worse, when my friends lives are crumbling and I CAN'T DO ANYTHING to help....

One of my best friends found out she has cancer. Cancer. She's in her 30's. Really? Cancer? I feel like I've been hit in the stomach...I can't IMAGINE what she is going through. I hate that she feels like she is going through this alone. I hate I haven't talked to her very much. I hate I feel like everytime she looks at my daughter she is reminded of what she will never have. I am angry....why am I angry?? I want it to all be okay. I want her to have a husband and beautiful children. I want to wake up and have her be perfectly healthy. I want her to stop smoking and tell her family what's going on....but, I don't have control...wow, isn't that a good thing? I don't have control, but I know the ONE who does.

She is His -- As am I.

I love you WT...

Standing on the water's edge....

One of my friends asked me today if I am ever frustrated with LG or being a mother....I responded, with a little thought--No.

Simply no.

My mother or some of my other friends could surely remind me of those times when I may have been not so in control of my emotions....but I have never been frustrated with being a mother. I HAVE, however, been frustrated at myself for not being able to handle all of the emotions flowing through my veins at the same time. I am generally very good at keeping myself (and my emotions) in check...but there are ALWAYS those moments in life where we lose it...no matter how small of a nanosecond it is...we are human.

As I was talking to my friend and really thinking about motherhood--the words wouldn't come...how do I explain the richness she offers or the feeling of complete surrender of my heart or the laughter she provokes...Sometimes, i find myself just staring at her...it's scary--because it almost feels as if I'm looking in a mirror that reflects a younger me...she is SO MUCH like me...

Is motherhood this good??? I would have never imagined in a million years -- I would love -- anything-- THIS MUCH. God is amazing in HIS works.

To me...being a mom is much like watching a river....it always flows...sometimes the water is much clearer than at others.

The Sweetest Moments...

...are the tender moments when I am rocking LG to sleep...The way she lays her head on my chest and I can smell her sweet scent...her wrapping her little arms around me--patting my back...the way she twirls her hair until she finally falls asleep....her breathing changing as she falls deeper and deeper into slumber land...I really can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be....

Reflection

2009...wow...aren't we supposed to be zooming around like the Jetson's by now? It's amazing how quickly life changes and the once important things don't seem so important anymore! As I have reflected over the past year--most of my thoughts were of my daughter and her unbelievable growth. She learned to walk, talk, swim, and count to five in English and Spanish (among so many other things)...she's an amazing little girl--full of goodness with enough stubbornness to make her a Kelly girl! I think back to being eight months pregnant, about to start a new job, and moving into an apt by myself...I remember how scared and lonely I was. As I enter 2009, my career is amazing, I have great friends, and I am unbelievably happy.

I think one of my greatest challenges as a single mom is balancing what I need and want with what's best for LG. For example, I REALLY want a clean house, but I have someone undoing what I've just done...it's exhausting! I have to learn to let it go...I can only do so much--it will be there tomorrow...the most important thing is being present with her! That being said, I have to find a balance between being a single woman and a single mother. I have become such a homebody and spent so much time with LG, it's hard for me to enjoy being out. Dates are like job interviews, being a bar isn't where I want to be, and my other friends are either completely single (wanting to be at the bar) or married (and wanting to be in the bed at 10pm). Hmm...staying at home sounds so good...

I realize my relationship with my Maker ebbs and flows...just like any other relationship--the more time you invest, the more reward you reap. I forget...I talk to Him, but I don't take the time to listen. That has always been my problem...listening...I'm either working, washing the clothes, scrubbing the bathroom, cooking dinner, playing, reading, blogging...and I'm constantly talking...I want to learn to listen this year, allowing Him to be my heart beat. I realize I am His servant--here to love, support, and protect this amazing being He has bestowed upon me. She is His...as am I.

Taco Bell

LG is my child for sure...she may not look just like me, but she certainly has so many of my characteristics...like, my love of Taco Bell! This kid ate a whole bowl of pintos n cheese and an entire soft taco--all by herself, of course...
In other news, I have been sick as a dog...I am feeling a little better now, but it's been a long road! My eyes are all swollen and red...uggh..poor LG--she's been so sweet...hugging on me...I feel so bad that I can't play with her...
I hope everyone has a great Christmas...I can't believe it is already here! Looking back at the pics from this year...so much has happened...LG learned how to crawl, walk, and talk...she's growing up so quickly and I can't seem to remember everything! I look forward to a new year and great memories!

LG doesn't think Santa is so great!

Ha...so the Santa visit went worse than I thought...I have been showing her pictures and cartoons with Santa hoping to avoid the escapade from last year. When we got checked in, I picked her up out of her stroller and she's all smiling and waving...saying HI to Santa from 15 yards away...when it was her turn to sit in his lap, she suddenly turned into a "mama monkey"...she was not having it...kicking and screaming...I sat down beside Santa and she was trying to get out of MY lap....poor Santa (poor mama is more like it)...I am afraid I scarred her for life with horrible Santa experiences...I was so hopeful...oh well...at least she loves her mama!


I am exhausted...work is kicking my butt...and I've got soo many articles to read...there is so much to keep up with outside of what my company wants me to know...I finally got my old printer/scanner hooked up...that new P.O.S. is gone!!! Yay...I had to find a website that had a download to my old driver for my camera....I couldn't upload pics or anything...but I found it...here is the pic that will be on the christmas cards this year...

The big Christmas party is tomorrow night...I've eaten so well this week (except for the Taco Bell Wednesday for lunch--eek) and I ran everyday this week except Wednesday (ok, so it wasn't the greatest day)...sooo hopefully, I'll be able to zip my dress....I hope everyone is having a great week...

whew...

Finally getting to sit down (it's 7:30pm)....after working all day and getting to the gym then getting LG and cooking dinner, cleaning up the kitchen....all I can say is WHEW!!!! I have started trying to cook more and what I have found is making different meals out of some of the same ingredients is the easiest way to get good meals throughout the week....For example, I'm making a beef stew for tomorrow night, but while I was cutting up the veggies, I put half of them in a glass baking dish and roasted them for tonight...I gave her veggies and some leftover turkey...she loved it!! I figured out if I give her specific things to do...she loves to help me...her favorite is throwing things in the garbage can...(I wish she could take out the trash--that's my most unfavorite!) Anyway, after bath and a book she's down...whew.

Expense Reports...

I don't know why I let some of the smallest things in life bother me the most!?! I have been trying to do ONE expense report--it feels like, for the past eight hours....one thing after another doesn't work...the system, my stupid stupid new printer (my company gave me--we'll just say it's not a mac).....arrgghh...the frustration...so I went and ran three miles...at least something positive came out of frustration....maybe I'll actually fit into that dress Friday night!
I finally got an appointment with Santa Clause...yes, I know how ridiculous it seems that we have to have Santa appointments here in Atlanta, but that is the way it is....so Wednesday is the big day....everyone keep their fingers crossed--she screamed bloody murder last year and matched the red vest Santa had on. I have been trying to show her pictures of Santa this year to get her more acclimated--we'll see!
I figured out a way to get the rest of my workout in while being at home...she likes to sit on my lap, so I put her on the exercise ball with me tonight and did my crunches--genius, I know....why didn't I think of this before??

Inspiration

Things change so quickly, don't they? Last time I wrote, I was 20 weeks pregnant and scared to death. Today, Lillie Grace is 21 months old and chasing me around the house! I hope you'll see my growth over the past couple of years and maybe one person will be inspired as I have been by so many other bloggers out there! I'm not really sure where to start, so if I jump around...be nice...I'll get into the groove soon...

Lillie Grace is so amazing and beautiful...she is smart and funny (like her humble mother)...happy and charismatic...charming and very independent (yes, already!). Today, we took a day and spent it together--playing ball and learning to count...she likes to count in Spanish for some reason (maybe because I taught her) so we tried it in English...I think I totally confused her. She's learning what time out is...she was in a couple of times today for not "keeping her hands to herself". I can tell she totally gets the whole time out thing. She sits on the guest bed until I go get her and I tell her again why she was there. She gives me a big hug and says "I yuh you mama"...good grief, if that doesn't melt your heart...I don't know what will.

I've taken these past few months to myself (actually, until the new year)...sort of a "dating sebaticle" if you will. I've tried to start really figuring out what God really wants me to do with myself and the life He's created for me. He has been teaching me about patience and learning to let go. There are those moments so gripping, I feel like there is a belt tied around my waist and I can't breathe! It has been in those times, He has shown himself to be so faithful and near. Even if I don't know what to grasp on to, I hear him whisper "I am here my love". How calming and peaceful!

I have been reading a lot these past few months and have grown so much as a person--I want to be the best mother, friend, and eventually a wife this world has ever seen. I want to explore my philanthropic side and see what God is going to reveal in this next year. Something big is out there for me...I can feel it!

Sheeeeee's Baaaaaack....

It's been a while--I know...I didn't realize how many of you checked up on me through this site...it makes me smile when all of you email me and yell at me to post something.....there's so much to say these days and so little time...

By the way--IT'S A GIRL!! I had my 20 week ultrasound and she showed her stuff...she's healthy and already moving around like she wants out...the sonographer got some great ultrasound pics -- I think she's gonna be tall...in one of the pics she has her leg stuck straight up in the air and her foot goes over her head...it was the sweetest moment of my life to see my little girl's heart beating and her moving around...I had my mom and Casey conference called in when I found out....mom was crying and Casey was all confused whether it was a boy or a girl...but after my aunt and I stopped screaming we clarified everything!

I can feel her move every once in a while...when I lay down to go to sleep I can feel her heart beat against mine...hers is beating about twice the speed mine is--it's an awesome thing to fall asleep to.

I am in the process of looking to buy a house. I have gotten prequalified and am looking in different neighborhoods right now...it's a lot to deal with--having a new job, being pregnant, and looking for a house...I have never worked five days a week and had to wear business attire to work before. It's a really great job and the hours are super flexible, but it still takes some getting used to!

Anyway, I promise to put some pics up soon...i really don't have any of me pregnant yet...I have just barely started showing--you can almost tell I'm pregnant by looking at me.

Thanks again for your thoughts--i need them--especially right now! Oh, and if I had your phone number--email it to me because my address book was erased...talk about a pain in the butt!

Amber

It's my last night in Boston...Yay!! I am leaving at noon tomorrow and going to new york city to see one of my best friends! I haven't seen her in six months...I can't believe it's been that long! I've never been to NYC and am excited to see all the things one needs to see in their lifetime! I'm soooo tired...I've been packing for the last few days and the UPS man just left with my boxes...now, I just need to finish cleaning and packing my suitcases...and take out some trash...I'm so tired of living here and being as white as the dry wall! I'm coming home!!!!

Yes, the rumors are true...

I am moving back to the land of humidity and heat--Little Rock, Ar. will be my home for a little while longer...I loathe the city of Boston...I can't take the culture shock. It's not that I don't have a deep appreciation for the history of the city or even that I hate the accent....I miss the south! So back to where "y'all" and "yes maam" aren't laughable - they are expected...I'll see you friday!

Who has the most beautiful eyelashes in the city of Boston...well, that must be me...because I batted them for the AC to be turned and HALLELUJAH it was turned on today!!!! A whole two weeks early!! No more sleeping with the window open -- no more sirens and police chases!!!

Boston is a funny city...it's so beautiful and most everyone walks everywhere--but no one stops and looks at what an exquisite masterpiece they are walking through...I went to the movies today and it was about 70 degrees and sunny when i left my apt. Went to the movie and after it was over--people were talking about what a bad storm had just passed through...the streets were glistening from the freshly fallen rain and the sun was shining -- only it was about 55 degrees...The walk home is breathtaking...through a huge park (the central park of Boston) where trees are a perfect shade of green and the flowers are ones you could only hope to see in your man's arms. (I did take some pics but my camera died -- so I'll post them next time). There was a little italian market on the way home--I stopped in and grabbed a few things...and noticed everyone around me had a straight gaze and their ipod in their ears....drowning out the sound of the city. The trolleys with the tourists, the swish of the water as cars go by, and the chatter and laughter of the children playing with their parents. I stopped in to say hello to my favorite waitor at my favorite french restaurant (expensive--but so worth it!). He's from Brazil and it seems is the only person who knows me in this city--wait, knows my name! He's always excited to see me and gives me a kiss on each cheek...asks me how I am doing and where my boyfriend is...

I say goodbye and again kiss on each cheek as if we've known each other for years...

No ipod

Just enjoying the sun and the cool breeze...

smiling

Even if I don't know anybody

STOP THE RAINING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PATIENCE is definitely not my forte'! I have been sitting in my apt (with no cable) since 0830 this morning watiing on UPS...and guess what--THEY STILL AREN'T HERE! At least it isn't raining...that's about the only good thing I can say...

In other news...there really isn't any...I'm glad I didn't have to get up at 5am...I can say that...I don't even know if it's still cold outside today...it's foggy and windy...hopefully, this doesn't last very long!!!!

How do you go grocery shopping when you don't have a car?? I haven't really figured all that out yet.

This dayshift thing is going to killllllll me! getting up at 5 and going to bed at 10....

The weather finally turned bad...it's rainy and cold....I have nothing to do -- no books to read, no tv to watch (they cut off my free cable...) and nothing to unpack...UPS isn't going to be able to deliver my stuff until FRIDAY! I am sleeping with a towel over me for a blanket because my dumb #$% packed all my sheets and blankets in a box...good thinking there sherlock!

But I still love Boston...I went and got a mani/pedi today in the pouring down rain..it's right down from where I live...not as close as I thought...i was running through the cold rain with flip flops and my Georgetown hoodie! Oh, the mississippi girl in Boston!

First day of work was yesterday--it went really well...the hospital is huge and the unit is 27 beds--most of the units I have worked in are about 15 or so beds...everyone was nice and helpful...I haven't met my preceptor yet...but hopefully she'll be equally as nice...no one can understand me when i talk...I have to repeat myself about 17.3 times....yesterday this girl asked me what my middle initial was -- I said, "iiinn" and she said, "a"..."no???" I said...."iiiiinnnnn...as in Nicole"....she looked puzzled and said "ooooohhhhh, I thought you were saying Ann"...hah...it was really funny...she turned really red and laughed...

Well, there is one thing that the rain is good for...napping!

Here are some more pics...